Ever been at a friends place or playgroup and watched your toddler grab a toy from another child? Or maybe they’ve hit another kid out of frustration? We’ve all been there, and it’s so awkward. This week on Ask Robyn, Erin Bourke and Robyn Papworth unpack why these behaviors are normal developmental milestones—and how we, as caregivers, can respond with empathy—not force.
Why Toddlers Grab or Hit: A Development Snapshot
Developmentally typical: Under age 3, children are still learning about ownership, emotions, and impulse control. They often act first and feel later.
Lack of self-regulation: Young toddlers don’t have the brain maturity to consider others’ feelings before acting.
Exploration of autonomy: Wanting what another child has is part of understanding boundaries and selfhood.
Rather than pushing for a forced apology (“Say sorry!”), a more effective and compassionate approach helps kids gradually learn empathy and cooperation.
Expert Insights from Erin & Robyn
1. Model Empathy Through Reflection
Rather than “Say sorry,” try:
“I see you were upset because Emma had that car.”
“When we hit, it hurts. Let’s try gentle hands.”
This gives language and emotional awareness, helping them connect action → feeling.
2. Give Children Choice & Agency
Offer two simple options:
“You can say ‘my turn, please’.”
“We can find a different toy.”
Giving choice helps toddlers feel empowered and practice communication, not coercion.
3. Scaffold Sharing Through Turn-Taking Games
Use sand-timers or visual countdowns for shared toys.
Invite them: “Emma, in 30 seconds it’ll be Isaac’s turn.”
This makes sharing predictable and fair.
4. Avoid Punishment-Based Approaches
Under 3 especially, forcing apologies doesn’t teach empathy—it teaches compliance.
Instead, focus on naming feelings, offering alternatives, and guiding responses.
5. Encourage Collaborative Play
Set up simple games with two objects (“This car and that car.”).
Narrate their actions: “You both have one. Let’s have a race!”
Build early cooperation and connection—and ease future transitions.
Quick Action Steps for Caregivers
Pause & Validate: “That must have been frustrating.”
Narrate the Impact: “When we push, it hurts.”
Offer Emotive-Language: “Looks like you’re sad/mad.”
Provide Next Steps: “Could you say ‘my turn, please’?”
Structure Turn-Taking: Use a timer or visual prompt.
Wrap Up
Soothe the situation, don’t shame it. By mirroring feelings and guiding toddlers gently, we help them develop empathy and patience—and the social skills to play well with others. That’s what building emotional intelligence is all about!
Got a tricky toddler moment? Email your questions to info@theparentshub.com.au and don’t forget to follow along on social @theparentshub and @PlayMoveImprove for more Ask Robyn wisdom.
